Stuff It

July 4, 2009

Yesterday I felt a bit like the drawn in bloke from that old soap commercial (you might not remember it) where this poor cartooned dude walked around some animated town while this persistently dreary cloud followed him like an ominous shadow. The difference was the cloud hanging above him looked black and scribbly while the one floating above my head cast an oppressive shade of blue. And of course, his cloud lifted once he showered with a blinding, white bar of soap whereas mine hovered until sometime late in the afternoon- long after I had showered. I felt so claustrophobic and spent most of the day trying to sift through and dislodge the various items in my life I no longer have use for.

And that can be a daunting task.

I seem to have acquired so much stuff and some of it I’ve never even worn or opened or looked at in years. I got rid of some things a few months back but I could definitely weed out more. I do not have the space. I can’t understand why I buy things I don’t need and frankly can’t always afford. I guess it always seems like a good idea when it’s happening but really, it’s a waste of time, money and space.

Some people I know can swirl through life freely (or seem to) with all sorts of chaos in their lives. I can do what have to under those types of circumstances but I don’t like it. I feel anxious and boxed in. The air around me feels tight and restrictive when too many things pile up around me.

I think that’s what happens inside my head sometimes too. All the baggage lodged in there taking up valuable space. All the worries and fears and muck. The over worked and no longer needed belief systems running on a half empty tank. I shudder to think of the energy I waste on keeping that motor going. I can see I no longer need this stuff so why is it so difficult to let go?

I’m at that place where I want to get rid of the clutter. I may need to get ruthless and be unsentimental but sometimes one has to get tough. I have a big pile of letters and old diaries I hesitate letting go of. For the most part, the diaries contain page after page of the difficult times in my life. Why do I want to hold on to those memories? A big part of me wants to sit down one day in the very near future, read them over and then start shredding. Now that could be a very interesting way of taking care of some clutter and letting go of the past.

Because I tell ya, I’m getting tired of this stuff hanging over my head.

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