(Day 5) The Road Ahead

July 22, 2009

The process of sloughing off my past continues albeit more slowly then I thought. It takes time scouring the pages of my bygone years. I need to be in the right head space. Flipping through those pages can be enlightening, amusing or downright depressing. I’m not naive enough to believe that by simply tearing a few hundred (maybe thousand?) pages will automatically alleviate the burdens I’ve hauled around for all these years. But I will say, after going over certain events (then ripping them into smithereens), I’ve heard a sigh of relief escape from me as if to say, “Ah… that one’s finally over. Done. Let go of. Finis.”

Ho… ho… hold on there. Put on the breaks. Not so fast.

Life can be so funny (ha… ha… hilarious?) The moment you think you’ve dealt with something (laid it to rest) life gives you another little taste to see if you’re really as over it as you’ve lead yourself to believe. This has happened to me more times then I can count and I’m sure I’m not the only one. You know… there’s that friend from grade school who stole your best friend who you haven’t seen for 20 years. You’ve barely thought about them in over a decade and when the childhood tiff does pop into your head it makes you smile at the memory of how young and vulnerable you were. But, when you suddenly bump you into that person, smack dab in the middle of your wisened adulthood, you feel your blood boil like water in one of those whistling kettles on a raging, hot stove. Not quite as done with it as you thought.

I made up that scenario but you know what I mean. I still have fresh paper cuts on my fingertips from the tearing apart of a particular past event and, seriously, I turn around and – boom – it’s staring me down. And, I’m mildly reacting to it. I’m not ripping my hair out over it but I’m feeling it. The real question is; do I need to make a stop at this particular curve? I think when life dangles a trigger inducing tidbit in front of us we have no option but to take notice. But I think there are those curves we need to take a closer look at and those whose time has come for us to let go. I also think that sometimes we/ I know the difference between to two although we/ I may not want to admit it.

I guess I have three options: I can take the high road (the road paved with what it takes to move forward), the low road (a cracked and over trodden surface I’ve walked over enough times to know that instead of taking one step forward it will push me three steps back). Or, I can just lie down in the middle of it and close my eyes to the on coming traffic. Hm…  Each one of those scenarios seems to have a certain amount of charm.

I guess when navigating the winding roads of life I must keep this in mind: When looking at what’s approaching from behind me, objects may seem bigger then they actually are.

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