Knotty Girl

October 30, 2009

The other day, exactly a week before a new session was due to begin, I went to take a placement test for a french class I’ve been eying for, oh… about 5 years, maybe longer. That is so me, think… think… think about doing something I really want to do, then think some more and then spend a few more days, months or years – depending on what the thing I’ve been thinking about might be – before jumping into it. At the placement test, where someone asked me a bunch of questions in en francais, I was told that if I completed about 20 pages in the workbook she showed me I would probably be ready for the third level in the beginners course. Cool. So that is what I signed up for. The problem was, I didn’t realize how much work I had in front of me until I sat down on Monday, my only day off before my first class on Wednesday began. A few hours into it I started to panic.

It absolutely amazes me how one’s shit (for lack of a better word) rises to the surface once we awaken the certain parts of ourselves we’ve allowed to fall asleep. For me, I noticed the edginess creeping onto my shoulders and gut when I sat down to work. I swear these are the same patterns I unconsciously battled as a school girl – No idea how to organize myself, constantly fighting distractions, self conscious about my hand writing, overwhelmed by the work load and on and on. I have no idea how I made it through high school with so many knots in my stomach. And a battle waged within one’s gut unconsciously (which is what was happening during my formative years) is even worse than what I’m was dealing with now. At least, now, I recognize I’m being triggered by old patterns and I can try to change them. Now, I know better then to care about my penmanship or care about how I look. But it’s the feelings (edgy, anxious, gut twisters) that need to catch up with brain (don’t worry so much you’ll be fine). I felt panicked that f I didn’t complete the french work correctly and on time, I’d make a fool  of myself on the first day of class. Since I had chosen to skip a couple of levels, I wondered how I’d hold up with the others in my course. “Worse case scenario, Kim”, I told myself, “is that you either drop one level down, or simply run away. Relax, you’ll be fine.”, I said. And as it turned out I was.

I definitely have a lot of work to do before I understand everything my teacher was saying but it felt good to be there. I guess the best way to work through the tangled mass inside my belly is to keep breathing evelnly and start untwisting one knot at a time.

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2 Responses to “Knotty Girl”

  1. DIXIE said

    congrats Kim, on starting to conquer your bucket list!!!!

  2. Virlana said

    Hell, I’d just run away and laugh, laugh, laugh…then probably trip and fall and break something and THEN say, I shoulda stayed and took it…

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