November 3, 2009

I’m not exactly sure what it is… I’ve so busy, lately, doing a few things I’ve put off for a while now. I should feel good about crossing (or getting poised to cross) off an item or two from my list of wants. And, it does feel good, in many ways, to have finally taken the plunge with my French class (frickin’ hard – but good) and almost finishing yet another draft of a writing project I’ve been toiling over (frickin’ hard, too – but good, I think…). Truth is, though, I’ve been feeling kinda blue. It would be so easy to pin it on the weather. Yes, the trees are close to barren and that frequently more chilly breeze is creeping up my spine. But, can I blame the elements on my irrational attempts at multitasking, my mismanaged time, constant fatigue and foggy vision? No, I’ll refrain from casting my gaze outside the window when looking for my reasons why.

I think the problem might be, that as much as I try to move forward, I feel pinned into place by old habits (I’ve sang this song before, I know…). Still, those patterns, like a guest whose over stayed their welcome (were they ever?), seem to refuse to dig the fact that the time has come to go. It’s the effort required to wiggle free of the self imposed constraints that zaps the energy. Wading through my shit (now there’s a pleasant image) is exhauting at times. But it’s better to stir it up then to let those nasty imprisoners  remain, stuck and dormant, locking me into passivity. At least when the stuff rises to the surface there’s always a chance of me letting it go.


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