Exposed

November 9, 2009

Is it Monday already? I’m not in the mood. It’s still early, not even 8am, so it’s possible this feeling of ugh-ish blech-ness will lift. By 1pm the temperature is supposed to soar to 18 degrees celsius. If that doesn’t lift my mood, what will? Yesterday’s temp was the same. It was an absolutely glorious day here in Toronto (even though I wasn’t feeling that hot, either). It must be a combination of things. My head is twirling from all of the things I want to take care of (but isn’t it always?). Plus, I have a French class tonight (my first one since The Test) and have to admit it’s worrying me a bit. I want to feel excited by it, not anxious, but I have one of those internal programs running from my past that makes me feel clenched inside. It’s all about perspective and I need to change mine. I have to try lifting my head above that chin up bar of life. Trouble is my arms are kinda shaky. That’s what happens when I’m outta shape. (Note to self: try wedging a long overdue yoga workout into today’s schedule. Yoga has that ability to help me both physically and mentally and I could use a lift in both of those areas right about now.)

Yesterday, I pried myself away from what seems like a pile of  never ending chores (that’s me whining) and took a walk along Taylor Creek. As I’ve written before, that place has a way of pulling me up. I hadn’t been there for a couple of weeks and what a difference a fortnight makes. So many of the leaves have fallen, making what once appeared as a secluded trail seem more like a path along the main stream. And I have to say, I liked that secluded trail, hidden and protected by a lush canopy of leaves. But, it is that time of year and it does still look breathtaking – just different. This makes me think about my yearning to speak a new language. I suppose I’ve run away from the effort all of these years because I didn’t want to place myself outside of my comfort zone. Away from that feeling of safety I get hiding from appearing like a fool. For the record, I don’t really think I look like a fool I just feel like one. I can feel so exposed like those trees along the trail. I always marvel at how vulnerable they look in autumn but come May they seem so  sturdy and strong. It’s all a part of the process.

I have every intention of getting back on the trail this afternoon so I better clear this mess of my desk (and out of my head) so I can make that happen.

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