Wreck It

January 24, 2010

If you read some of my entries from the summer, you’ll remember I decided go through the tomes of my past I’ve collected since elementary school, and tear them into a million pieces. For the record, I hit the wall with that one, but I haven’t completely abandoned my decision to expunge. My attention got diverted by other tasks requiring my attention and also… I found the process to be a tad boring. Sure there’s some interesting stuff on those pages but the whining writing tends to be a bit on the repetitive side. I kept catching myself rolling my eyes and after awhile started wondering why I bothered journaling in the first place? But maybe the question I need to ask isn’t why I write in these little notebooks, (I’ve unglued myself from many a sticky situation this way. And, it actually feels like an urge or craving that pulls be toward the blank page.) but rather, why I keep them. And when I say write I mean this in the old fashioned sense. Pulling a notebook out of my purse or knapsack and whipping out my favourite pen. I often envision myself sitting in some warm and cozy café somewhere staring out the steamed up window, attempting to lasso all the words or images roaming around inside of my head. After awhile I lean in and watch the stories or little drawings spill onto the page in a steady stream of creativity. But what I imagine flowing and what ends up actually crashing out can be two completely different tales. See, I have a problem with my handwriting, some days are good and some not so great, and this bugs me, it interferes. Also, I can’t draw worth shit, making cute the little doodles end up looking more like doo-doo. And I’m impatient at times. I want to reproduce that image in my head NOW, DAMN IT – the-way-I-picture-it and I give up before I get started because I feel as if I’m just going to end up making a mess. It’s like wanting to play the guitar (which I can a teeny little bit) but hoping to sound like Joni Mitchell – without ever practicing or giving myself the time required to make it happen. Uh Hell-oooo-oh… To be honest with you, I find that lack of effort on my own behalf a bit disrespectful. But, I’ll get to that another day.

Some time ago (I swear it must be close to a year) I found myself at the cash register at Midoco (great store. dangerous.) with this pretty little book in my hand. All these pages, either blank or graphed (I only use graph paper if I can help it) waiting to be filled. After all this time has passed, I’ll occasionally pick the book up and tuck it into my bag thinking, this will be the day to crack her open, then at the end of the day put it back, unopened, on my shelf for fear of sullying the pages.

Last weekend while dipping into a few galleries at 401 Richmond, I found myself in Swipe (great store. dangerous.) staring at this and felt my world get all wobbly. Once I steadied myself, (I think I actually batted my eyes) I picked up the book and put it down again maybe five or six times thinking – there is no way I can buy this with that beautiful blank journal waiting at home for me to destroy. Not that her book wasn’t wonderful and, by the way, I think it would make a perfect gift. As soon as I got in, I went straight to Keri Smith’s blog (I love it) wish jar and clicked on her ideas, located just above her archives, which is jammed with inspiring ways for me to get down to business and let the demolishing party for one begin. Because if there’s someone who needs to grab a pen (or whatever) and get messy… it’s me.

Maybe today will be the day. Yikes.


One Response to “Wreck It”

  1. BP said

    Nice photo. In general I like the way you lay out your blog. The daily photo works.


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