A Glimpse

February 1, 2010

I can’t believe I haven’t posted since the 27th. I have no rules about how often I throw something up here (sounds pukey but it doesn’t feel that way). After doing this for a while, on a fairly regular basis, it feels somewhat unnatural when I skip more than a day. I like that. I wish the same feeling washed over me about going to the pool, a place I haven’t dipped my toe into for over a week, (sigh…) but I’ll get there. I’ve been so busy lately and today I must to my eye on the target.

I spent most of yesterday doing although it felt as if I hadn’t done enough. The knots in my gut got tighter, then looser, then tighter (but gently). And my brain was whispering, but you still have to… and, you better not forget to… and, how do you expect to… I didn’t get half the stuff done I wanted to, but in all honesty, I was enjoying myself. And at a particular time of day I looked out the window in shock that the sun had already descended (where did the day go?). But at that moment, I felt myself hovering in a place the atmosphere opens up to me from time to time. I had some swell tunes on my Pod (I really need a stereo), I was baking a crumble and cooking a yummy dinner and I had a glimpse of what my life would be like if I just let it be what it needs to, without all the tangles and the deflector goggles on. It felt like being on a roller coaster just before it takes that exciting plunge. Or being on a swing in the playground, pumping your legs to go higher, and higher, and for a moment, just before swaying back down again, it feels as if  your internal organs have lifted, ever so slightly, and have released any tension and are exactly where they need to be. Does that make sense? It’s like a momentary floating. Of, Ah… Of, I-get-it. Of, thisisitanditfeelssofuckinggood.

I hope I never sound as if I’m complaining, because I’m not. Well, not really…  I’m just trying to figure it out.  Some days I’m struck by the awesomeness of it all and others I’m struck flat on my ass. But my goal, at least one of them, is to find that light shining inside of me. The one my uncertainty makes appear dimmer at times, or the glimmer the daily fog of living makes seem not quite as bright. Whether I see it or not, I know that light is shining, waiting for one those moments in any given day to tap me on the shoulder, point and say – look.

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