3) Time…

February 12, 2010

Friday… ? Already… ? The time seems to fly by so quickly these days? I mean, where exactly did January go?  There are days the minutes seem to dah-raaaaaaaaaaaaaag by, like the when I glance at the clock 100 times in the span of five minutes (guess where I am when that happens?). Or, when I go for a walk with my thoughts and my camera and my eyes bug out after I realize three hours have passed – and it felt more like one. I am not the type of person who manages their time well. When I think of the various endeavours to accomplish in a day I’m often left scratching my head wondering how I managed be so busy without really getting anything done, or at least not what I had set out to. If you’ve read along here for a while, you have most likely gathered I’m a bit of a procrastinator. We procrastinator’s must believe, on some level, that we have all the time in the world. (I’ll get to that… I’ll get to that… tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow.) But the trust is, tomorrow never comes. Now is all we can count on. I wonder how I’d react if told my days were numbered – which they are, d’uh. Bit I mean, really numbered. For instance, What if I went to the doctor and she said, Kim, you only have two years left. What would I do? Well…

  • First of all, I’d vomit. And then I’d cry. A lot. And then I’d slide into bed and cry some more, weeping tears of loss, regret and time wasted. In the morning, I’d wake up under the not so uncomfortable weight of a giant money bag, as the sun streamed through my window and then the two-year party would begin.
  • Thanks to that money bag, I’d quit my job. I’m grateful for my work and all, but let’s be real. Two years left and a bag of dough… Buh-bye punch clock.
  • I’d schedule five, two-hour sessions a week, for a month with my therapist and get her to help me untangle, loosen and let go of any remaining knots (I’ve untangled a bunch of them over the years), fears, guilts, etc. I’m hanging on to. I’d hot potato those step-forward-inhibitors faster than I could say, why they hell have I been holding on to those energy suckers for so long?
  • I’d spend quality time with my family and friends.
  • I’d do most of the things on my 44 things to do before I turn 45 list except for the job related stuff since I’d no longer be working or anything else automatically taken care of by other items on this list.
  • I’d buy a house somewhere warm with big windows allowing ample amounts of sunlight to stream in (it would be furnished and decorated very well). It would have a jaw-droppingly breathtaking view and a large swimming pool where I’d do laps for forty-five minutes a day and learn to do that flip-over-roll-thing at the end of each length.
  • I’d practice yoga each morning breathing in each new day and exhaling anything I no longer need to hold on to.
  • I feel all my senses fully.
  • I’d eat and drink what was necessary for me to feel my best. Energized, alert, active.
  • I’d spend a month or two in a small welcoming village in France and  learned to speak the language fluently.
  • I’d travel all over the world. Snapping photos, wrecking journals, and updating my blog when possible. (You see where that money bag comes in?)
  • I’d learn to play the piano.
  • I’d see my name in the credits of a film, television show, or both.
  • I’d go through  my possessions pitching all of those cluttersome items taking up space.
  • I’d sing, dance, laugh and live and laugh and dance and sing. I’d take chances and make mistakes. I’d curl up on the couch with Bill and watch movies. I’d have the best conversations and meet the most interesting people. I’d go places I’ve never seen before.
  • At the end of my time I’d go back to the doctor and discover I had healed. That my living fully (instead of planning to) was the cure to what ailed me.

Actually, at this moment, I feel grateful and blessed to live the life I am living. But. No, not buts… On top of that there are always so many things I hope will happen, that I keep putting off until… the time is right. There are not enough hours in the day to list them all. As the saying goes, there is no time like the present. And, at the same time, time is the present – the gift. Or, one of them.  I hope to spend mine wisely.

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