6) Up Against the Wall

March 19, 2010

It’s Friday. Almost another week in the bag without posting a list. For some reason, when I think about listing, my head goes blank and my heart starts pounding. Oh, and I start to sweat. I felt pretty disappointed with myself for not coming up with anything last week and I find it rather shocking at how listless I’ve been since I decided to jump on the bang wagon because I usually have about thirty of them on the go at any given time. I want to list. I’m a chronic lister for fuck’s sake so why is it so difficult for me to do this? Once again I must compare myself to the Warner Brother’s Michigan J Frog(around the 2 minute mark) , who as soon as he’s put into the spotlight, can only let out a feeble croak or two. Yeah, I thought of packing it in but the more I consider doing that, the more compelled I feel to try to make it work. I knew I might not be able to accomplish this once a week. But I really, really want to try. I figure the longer I work at it the less of a problem it will be.

I don’t want to be that person who runs away at the first (second or third) sign of a fluttering heart. What is the source of all that quivering anyway? Butterflies? Bats? Or the wings of my creativity on its attempts to find a way out? I’ve spent most of my life wrestling those wings against my side, let me tell you, (I’ve just tossed out a stack of old journals and can assure you its pattern I intend to break. Am breaking!) but its impossible for me to not spread them. I have to whether I like it or not. And I do like it. I believe a certain type of fluttering guides me (even though it can also scare me). It’s a sign of what excites me, what I long for, what I hope to achieve (however big or small) and that pulse fills my blood with life. I have pushed myself up again the wall in the past, my elbow jammed under my chin as my internal voice hisses, give it up sister. That side of me has always been stronger. Well, I’m about to start pushing back. I have been pushing back. This blog has been a part of that. A few months back only a handful of people had set their eyes on my photographs or read a word of what I’d written and this feels good (yikes). Even if at first my shoving back feels lame, weak or kind of dull in comparison… (compared to what? comparing is pointless) I have to push. I must get stronger. So here it is – list seven. It might be short but who’s counting?

A few things I push up against as I attempt to spread my wings:

  • My heart as it pounds out its warring rhythm when the internal struggle begins. I want to. You can’t. I have to. You’ll fail. Boom… Boom… Boom.
  • The oceanic whooshing inside my head drowning out all confidence, reason, willpower or course of action.
  • Comparing myself to others – using the very people, places and things that inspire me to convince me to run away.
  • That little voice inside my head (with the very big mouth) screaming you don’t have it, you can’t do it, don’t waste your time.
  • Determination. It’s so much easier to sit down and hide it then to run with it. NOT. The amount of energy we expend (and I know I’m not alone with this one) turning away from instead of moving towards is astounding. One source is dark, draining and scribbled while the other is light, uplifting and charged. We think it’s easier to stay sleeping but we’re wrong.
  • The old, musty and worn-out set of belief systems, that although may have served to protect me at some point… really need to leave me the fuck alone.
  • My thoughts. I think way too much about stuff I should doing instead of just doing them. Argh…
  • The only way to avoid spoiling the pristine and gorgeous ideas in my head is not to make them real. But really… what could ruin something more than allowing it to shrivel up and wither away?

Thinking about it, I have to admit, over the last few years I’ve definitely gotten stronger. Maybe I’ll bend down and pick up all those lists I’ve been dropping (or planned to). At the end of the year who knows what I’ll be holding.


2 Responses to “6) Up Against the Wall”

  1. bp said

    love the photo
    – album cover

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