One Of Those Days

October 19, 2011

Poppies

Today is one of those days when I can close my eyes and remember so clearly. I remember each bleep in the quiet corridor of the hospital and the soft padding of the nurses shoes when they walked by your door. I remember holding your hand, absolutely certain you would unconsciously notice me opening your fingers to nestle my cheek in, planting butterfly kisses on your warm palm while softly inhaling you in. I remember how beautiful you looked even moments before dying, telling you my every move even though I made so few of them and how you must have taken my leaving your side (for that brief moment) as your cue to leave me. The  knots in my stomach were tighter than usual as I thought how incredibly ridiculous the joke was that the Universe  playing as I sat by the phone wondering what I would say, how I’d screw it up like so much else, dreading being the one to break the news. I recall how clear the sky was in the early morning hours and how crisp the air felt on my skin. I remember seeing Mom not long after the calls were made and how her warm embrace had never felt so comforting. I still miss you Dad although over the years the feelings have been tinged with sadness and anger at you for not trusting enough to be yourself. Eight years later there are questions where pure remembrance should be. Despite it all, I love you deeply (depth can be complicated) and I know I always will.

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No Disclaimers

October 10, 2011

Daily reminders of how awesome life is.

Two days off in a row. The temperature that’s tricking me into believing it’s summer. The food on my plate, clothes on my back, roof over my head. My beating heart pounding out the rhythm of my life and deep breaths scented with flowers. My dreams, especially those I dare turn into reality. Insights and the constant desire to make sense of it all. The parts of myself I understand and those pieces unconcerned with who else gets me. My job, my wardrobe and the things in my life I know are much better than my complaints suggest. Family, friends and my constant reminders of being blessed. My safety. My health. My able body. The love I give gladly and receive with open arms. Baking, cooking, shooting an interesting photograph, singing the perfect note, reading a great book, watching a spellbinding movie. Music. Art galleries and public libraries. Nature trails in the city. Freshly laundered clothes and the first sleep on clean sheets. The love of my life. Recognizing beauty. Calm moments and enjoying my own company. Creative inspiration. Knitting and a desire to learn how to sew. Time I’m able to spend doing what I want to. My garden, my office and the effort I’m able to put into making them just right. Self-expression. Learning from others. Each and every one of my sense and the ability to feel.  All of my travels and those to come. For all this and more I am truly grateful.

Happy Thanksgiving.